Driving Miss Cranky

- E.E. Cummings - i carry your heart

Here’s something for the list of stuff they don’t tell you before you become a parent. There are probably thousands of things on that list, like how little sleep you’ll get, how often you’ll encounter vomit and how low your own self-esteem may get thanks to your children. Most of the time, experienced parents don’t tell you these things because it might scare you away. This might not scare you away, but it might surprise you.

Here it is: You will hurt more for your kids than you will for yourself. If you’ve ever been disappointed, been dumped, felt unattractive or been depressed, multiply that ten-fold when you watch your kids go through those emotions. And add a dash of helplessness to really make it difficult.

Maybe I’m naïve, but this, I never expected. Now that my kids are young adults, I encounter this on a weekly basis. Broken hearts, college rejections, hurt feelings, not being asked to the dance, low self-confidence…sometimes I feel like E.T. with a glowing heart when they go through these things and all I can say is “Ow!”

I realize that I weathered all of these same storms and made it through as a better and more well-rounded and perhaps empathetic person, but my first instinct is to throw my kids a Pity Party and try to fix whatever isn’t working. That’s the last thing that they want – my involvement. In fact, usually, my best course of action is none, which makes it infuriatingly frustrating. I usually have to sit back and hope they might want to talk to me till they feel better – they usually don’t. And so I wait and I heap on them generous doses of silent love and understanding and hope that it will be enough. It never is…for me or them.

* This post was originally published in my Momhood blog in September 2006. Sigh. Some things never change.

I can’t believe it’s been five years since Milwaukee last roared. And although the Brew City tends to growl fairly regularly, I’m pretty excited to hear it again in a big way.

Tonight is the beginning of the Harley Davidson 105^th Anniversary Celebration. No, I don’t own or ride a Harley. In fact, I’m not even a Harley enthusiast. (Although, I apparently turn into one every five years when the Hogs roll into town.)

Five years ago, when Harley Davidson celebrated its 100^th anniversary, my then-11 year old daughter and I wanted to be part of the action. Not owning a Harley or even knowing anyone who did, we were almost out of ideas when inspiration struck. Let’s welcome those bad boys (and girls) to our town.

On a sunny afternoon, just before the festivities began, we headed over to a footbridge that spanned Highway 45. We, along with a few other kids and parents, stood on that footbridge and waved to the riders as they rolled into town. I have to tell you, it was a blast! They honked, they waved and they showed their appreciation to us for welcoming them to our fair city. It was pretty cool. In fact, I think my daughter had to drag me off that bridge.

Alas, today my daughter is old enough to drive alongside the Hogs. Sigh. Where did the time go?

August is almost over and people are packing the store aisles looking for that last pack of #2 pencils. Parents are gleefully anticipating the return to scheduled days and kids are looking glum knowing that homework is just around the corner. Yes folks, it’s back-to-school time. As your friendly neighborhood blogger, I thought I’d dole out a little parent-to-parent advice about school that I’ve gleaned over the past two decades.

It’s time to let go. A couple of years ago, I saw an Oprah Winfrey show where she had moms who were having a hard time watching their children go off to college. Some of them were a little pathetic doing things like renting apartments near their campus in case their child needed them. Another woman was virtually suicidal over her kids heading off to kindergarten. That’s right – kindergarten. I remember vowing never to be that way. And except for a few tears, I’ve done OK. My point here is that when it’s time, let go. Your kid will survive and so will you. If your child going to school is the low point of your life, then it’s time to find a hobby.

Don’t be a helicopter parent. I admit it. I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I’ve micromanaged elements of my kids’ lives figuring that I could save all of us time and effort and they’d be eternally grateful. It has never worked out. My kids didn’t appreciate it, didn’t learn anything at all and ultimately blamed me when it didn’t work out. My advice is this: Take them to school and then leave. These people are professionals. Trust them.

Give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. Back in the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was in grade school, teachers were up there next to God. If I came home and told my parents that I received a detention for something, I was in HUGE trouble and could expect to be grounded…for life. Today, some parents feel compelled to question the teacher when their child has been disciplined. If this is you – don’t. Know that teachers have experience and are just trying to do their jobs. (For very little pay, I might add.) Will the punishment always be fair? No. But then life isn’t either. Do your child a favor and let them learn this lesson. Trust me. They’ll survive.

Go to the source. There will be times when you have a question about a class or a subject or an assignment or a project. You may even have a valid complaint. You’ve tried getting answers from your child but he can’t even find last week’s permission slip. Then it’s time to go to the teacher. Not other parents on the playground or the principal. The teacher. Be polite and respectful and give them the first opportunity to address your concerns. You might get an entirely different perspective on the matter.

Let them fail. In this day and age of prodigies and test scores and uber-tots that have genius-level IQs, parents have gotten the idea that perfection is the goal. That a bad grade ruins all chances for future greatness. And so they meddle and interfere and do everything within their power to make sure their child never falters or stumbles or makes a mistake. That, in and of itself, is a mistake. The goal is to learn which you cannot do if you don’t, at some point, fail. And that’s OK.

Think back to your own memories of school. Some were good and some were bad, right? Some of your teachers changed your life and some, well, let’s just say they gave you great stories to share at reunions. Nevertheless, you survived and so will your child. Advocate but don’t smother. But feel free to bring along a tissue to get you through that first day.

I’m currently in this really fascinating time of life. Thanks to kids and personal interests, my friends are between the ages of mid-twenties to early fifties. Some have tiny tots and others, like me, have grown or almost grown kids.

Universally, what is shared by all of these differently aged women – “momographics,” if you will – is that back-to-school is THE most stressful time of the year.

In the past week, I have had untold number of conversations about meetings, registrations, textbooks, open houses, homerooms, forms to fill out, things to sign up for, volunteering, carpools, school photos…! And along with school comes the dizzying array of extra-curricular activities. It’s enough to make anybody’s head spin.

The other thing about this time of year is that it’s very emotional for women. (Sure, it’s sexist, but I have yet to see a teary-eyed dad standing in the school parking lot.) Some of us very reluctantly send our kids off to college or perhaps kindergarten for the first time. Others are planning that first-day-of-school party to celebrate getting back a bit of “me” time.

No matter what time of life this is for you – teeny babies or college co-eds – there’s only one way to keep your wits about you – organization. Seriously, if you don’t have mad organizational skills, you’ll go insane. I vividly remember creating a staging area on my dining room table in the days leading up to the start of school. I’d have piles for each kid with signatures and checks attached to what seemed like millions of forms.

Now my organizational skills are needed mostly to drag people out of bed and sometimes shove them out the door on time. I try really hard to squelch the control freak in me by letting them tell me what they need. More times than not, I can’t help myself. I hate to admit it, but in the back of my head it’s because I feel like a forgotten form or check will reflect badly on my parenting skills. As my husband often says to me: “It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Ouch.

What about you? How are you feeling about back-to-school? Weepy or joyous? What drives you crazy about getting back into the old routine? If you had power, what would you change about this time of year?

Here’s the funny thing about mothers…all of us…we really love our children. I mean really. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can’t help ourselves. We brag. And I’m no different than anybody else.

So with that in mind, I invite you to click here and watch a music video of a song written and performed by my son. It was created and directed by his friends. It’s fun and it’s good and it's about the internet and all of the kids involved are from the Milwaukee area. (Trying to give you at least a little bit of relevance!)

I think you’ll like it. At least, I hope you do. Thanks.

(Oh, and no, that's not my son in the video...in case you were wondering.)

I guess it was Shakespeare who said: “All the world’s a stage...” If I had my druthers, I’d amend that and say that I wish that all the world was First Stage, because frankly, it would be a much better place.

These past two weeks, my daughter spent her days at the Milwaukee Youth Arts Center at First Stage Theater Academy. This has been an annual thing for her the past 4 or 5 years. I am not being overly dramatic (pardon the pun) when I say that First Stage changed her life. (Her words, not mine.)

She started there as a middle-school child, full of energy and sarcasm but perhaps a little low on self-esteem and confidence. During those first two weeks at First Stage several years ago, she suddenly bloomed into someone funny and outgoing, no longer a follower. Through the years, she’s turned into a young woman passionate about musical theater, which may nor may not be her niche, but that’s not what is important.

It wasn’t until the December after her first summer at First Stage Theater Academy that I found out what that experience really meant to her. We were having a family dinner, asking each other the one thing that happened that year that was important to each of us.

My daughter looked at us and simply said: “Well, duh. First Stage. It changed my life.”

Wow. Pretty powerful words coming from your own child.

Frankly I wasn’t surprised. All you have to do is attend “Presentation” on the last day of your child’s weeks at First Stage to understand how it changes lives.

This week, I watched my daughter’s Presentation and once again was blown away by what they’re doing for kids in Milwaukee. I did not realize, until Academy director John Maclay mentioned it, that First Stage is the largest theater academy in the entire nation. Right here - in Milwaukee. Lucky us.

But it’s not just that it’s the biggest, although that does help attract first-rate theater professionals to work with the kids.

What matters is what they’re teaching. The Academy philosophy is “Life Skills through Stage Skills” and although the stage skills may not be evident at the end of a 2, 3 or 4 week session, the life skills definitely will be.

Just listen to the First Stage cheer that the kids scream out every single day at the Academy:

"I Can't" is NOT in my vocabulary!

I take RISKS!

I CONQUER my fears!

I am not afraid to LEAD!

What an awesome mantra for any child growing up in today’s society.

And there is more – a lot more. There are the rights and responsibilities that each Academy student has. The right NOT to be made fun of. The right to be treated and to treat others with respect and kindness. The right to try new things, perhaps fail and still have the support of everyone there. Now do you see why I wish the world were more like First Stage?

And that’s what John Maclay left all the students with at the end of Presentation – the challenge to take those principles of kindness, respect and support and use them in their everyday lives. It may not always work, but it’s still worth doing.

I just have one word – Bravo!

This past week, we put our family cat, Licorice, to sleep. She was approximately 13 years old. Technically, Licorice belonged to our son. We gave her to him when he celebrated his First Communion. I can still see him and his toothless grin carrying her around the house.

He’s about to start his senior year of college and it seemed only appropriate that he was with me when I had to rush her to the vet the other day. She’d been in steady decline for the past several months and we both knew the end was near. As we made the decision to end her suffering, I worried about how he would handle it. I knew that he was no longer closely attached to Licorice, due to distance and a late-developing allergy. Still, this was HIS cat. They used to sit next to each other while he ate breakfast.

In the end, I shed enough tears for two. Apparently, I was the one that was really attached. He stood by and gently patted me on the back while I sniffled and signed the final documents. I have to say that I was sort of surprised by his lack of emotion.

Now our house is down to one pet - an overbearing but loveable Golden Retriever named Millie who, technically, belongs to our daughter. We added Millie to our family at a time when our daughter was obsessed with dogs. She begged for a puppy. The timing seemed right. She was just starting middle school, her social life was a series of ups and downs and perhaps a pet would teach her responsibility and give her a more dependable buddy. What it did was basically add another “being” for me to care for. Sort of like a child, but hairier.

I’m sure it’s my fault and I’m sure that most of you have handled kids and pets better than I did, but somehow, our best intentions of pet ownership went awry. I had visions, a la Timmy and Lassie, (yes, I’m that old) of my kids and their pets, cuddling and bonding and taking care of each other. Instead, I gained another dependant and my daily list of chores got a little longer. But like many parenting issues, we pick and choose our battles. I got used to daily feedings and walks and cleaning up and trips to the vet. It’s just what I did and I liked how I did it.

Apparently in the end, I became more attached than anybody. When my husband turned off the laundry room light – the small fluorescent bulb that has literally been burning for 10 years above Licorice’s food, water and litter box, I again felt the pang of loss.

Suddenly, Millie, who is definitely a handful, is more endearing than ever. The dog, who leaves her hair everywhere and is obsessed with carrying dirty socks in her mouth, seems so precious and sweet. Funny how that happens.

I figured out what it is that makes family pets seem so appealing to parents, especially those of us with older children. It’s unconditional love. I just say Millie’s name and her tale starts wagging. I haven’t gotten a reaction like that from my kids in years.

I hate to scare you parents of young kids, but there comes a time when your kids won’t like you. I know – they adore you now and can’t get enough of you. Someday, that will go away…at least for a little while. And when that happens, a wagging tail, a rumbling purr or a big, sloppy kiss makes it all a little more bearable.