Driving Miss Cranky

More than twenty years ago, when my husband and I started having children, we began what could be called “The Baby Name Game.” We took our last name and tried to match it up with something that we liked.

Now I don’t know about you, but when it came to naming our child, I took that responsibility VERY seriously. A first name is one you’ll have forever and if you hate it, that can make things pretty rough.

On the other hand, sometimes it seemed that my husband took the idea of it being a game more seriously. Some of his suggestions back then were Otto and Bob (because they were palindromes) or Boutros Boutros (because it sounded funny.)

I spend copious hours matching first and last names and making sure that the names that we chose fit the following criteria:

• It shouldn’t have a “huh?” factor to it. For instance, if, like Frank Zappa, we named our first son “Dweezil,” it was likely to evoke the word “huh?” from the child’s first teacher.

• It shouldn’t have a weird rhyming issue with our last name. This eliminated the names Walter, Kirk or Dirk.

• It should be a name that people could at least attempt to spell upon first hearing it. A good friend of mine named her first child “Xiamara” (pronounced Kee-A-Mar-A). It’s a beautiful name, which I believe is Japanese. I, however, am not fond of spelling and re-spelling of names. It’s just a thing I have.

• It shouldn’t have bully rhyme potential. Have you ever seen the Drew Barrymore movie Never Been Kissed in which her high school persona is mocked with the name “Josie-Grossie”? Need I say more?

• Being a former business professional, it had to be a name that could be used in a conference room and not provoke snide remarks, as in: “Trixiebelle, can you take us through the meeting agenda?”

• It had to be a name that wasn’t overly popular. When I was in grade school, there were at least 5 girls with the name Kathy in my class. It wasn't the worst name in the world, but I think the Kathys wished they had something a little more unique. I didn’t want my kids to go through that.

• It had to be a name that could stand the test of time. When my children were senior citizens, would their names sound respectable and wise or weary and old?

So, how did we do? Well, pretty good. I like our kids’ names (Andrew, Dan and Maria), and I think they do too. Although despite our best efforts, they have many kids in their peer groups with the same first names. Oh well, what can you do?

What about you? Did you (or do you) have fun naming your kids? Are your children named after family members or anyone special? (Our daughter is named after the character in West Side Story, one of our favorite musicals. That also happens to be my middle name.) If you could do it over, would you change anything about naming your children?

Like lots of people these days, I’m trying to do more with less. I’m looking at my expenses and trying to trim them where possible. However, there is one area that seems perpetually out of control – magazine subscriptions.

In our house, it all started many years ago with a magazine fundraising drive. I am the wimpiest fundraiser on the face of the earth and I absolutely HATE asking people for money. (One of many reasons why a career in sales was never in the cards for me.) When my kids were offered an out-of-uniform pass for sending postcards to out-of-town family, I always made them write in huge letters: THERE IS NO OBLIGATION. I also sent out e-mails ahead of time warning people that they’d get postcards and telling them they could do the same to us.

That was all fine and good, but those fundraising companies know exactly what they are doing. Along with whooping the kids into a frenzy at kickoff rallies, they also baited them with toys and trinkets if they hit fundraising goals. In the end, because I was such a wimp, I’d cave in and decide that I would actually enjoy a subscription to “Everyday with Rachel Ray,” along with several other truly unnecessary titles. Pretty bad, I know, but on “turn-in day,” it seemed the path of least resistance.

But here’s the thing: It didn’t stop there. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was just dealing with an overabundance of magazines. The problem is, maybe I’m crazy but it seems like they send out renewal notices within a week or two of getting the first issue. It’s so incredibly annoying…and confusing.

At first I fell for it nearly every time. “Oh look,” I’d say. “It’s time to renew American Girl.” But then one day I actually looked at my mailing label of the magazine or online and found out that I had already paid for a two-year subscription. With their stealth and sneaky marketing gimmicks, I was going to be subscribing to American Girl until my daughter graduated from college.

And although I’ve gotten a lot smarter, these renewal mailings still drive me crazy and cause me momentary concern. With phrases like: “Last chance!” or “One issue left!,” they still get me every time. You know what they say: There’s a sucker born every minute. Yeah, that’s me alright.  

I had no plans to read it. I often walked past it at Barnes & Noble and made bold and incorrect assumptions about its fan base. But then this article piqued my interest and I couldn’t resist.

What am I talking about? Stephanie Meyer’s vampire saga Twilight of course. This four-book young adult phenomenon has critics making comparisons to the power of Potter…Harry Potter, that is. (I’m here to tell you that J.K. Rowling has nothing to worry about.)

What intrigued (and scared me a little) was that Twilight has attracted a large audience of middle-aged women. What does that mean? Who likes reading about vampires? Busty matrons that work at Renaissance Faire all summer speaking in faux British accents? That definitely isn’t the crowd that I hang around! (Not that there's anything wrong with busty matrons!)

Still, I bit (pardon the pun) and picked up a copy. I’m a sucker for, at the very least, understanding a pop culture blockbuster. It took a few pages, but very quickly I figured it out. Twilight is escapist literature in every way. It’s mind candy for those of us who like to read, but sometimes need a break from thinking. It’s filled with drama and romance and teen angst.

And then there are the characters. Bella, a beautiful, yet supposedly klutzy young woman who kinda hates the world and everyone in it. Edward, a drop-dead gorgeous high school guy who happens to be a vampire. It won’t ruin the plot to tell you that they fall in love. There are, of course, complications, which is what makes it fun.

I have had some of the most animated book discussions ever about the Twilight series. Once you find a Twilight mom, it’s hard to calm them down. They gush and rave and reluctantly admit to ignoring laundry, dinner and children just to finish another chapter. I haven’t seen people this excited about a bestseller since The DaVinci Code!

Is Twilight great fiction? No, but that’s OK. Not everything is or should be. I’m a firm believer in supporting anything that gets people opening up a book and escaping into another world.

Oh, and for me, here’s the best part about it: Twilight is the first book that my teenage daughter and I both read and enjoyed. Usually, in literature (and in fashion), my stamp of approval is the kiss of death. Twilight was the rare thing we could agree upon. Bonus!

Come November 21^st, there’s a good chance that you’ll find me and a friend or two in line to see the Twilight motion picture. Why won’t I be going with my daughter? What, are you kidding?! Now that’s fiction!

What about you? Are you a Twilight mom? Are you on “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob”? (You have to read Twilight to understand what that means.) Comment below or e-mail me at misscrankyblog@yahoo.com .