Driving Miss Cranky : Things that bug me

Thanks, but no thanks, Countess

Karen Waldkirch — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 14:09:57 GMT

A couple of weeks ago on The Real Housewives of New York City, LuAnn de Lesseps, a.k.a. The Countess, visited a Boys & Girls Club to meet with and mentor a group of “Smart Girls.” After watching this segment of the show, I immediately wanted to quote Bethenny and shout: “Oh no you di-in’t!”

I give The Countess credit for “giving back” to the community, although when giving back requires that you reach your destination in a chauffeured town car, perhaps your perspective is a bit askew.

The session started with the girls and LuAnn writing down what they like best about themselves. Rather than LuAnn further reinforcing the girls’ self-esteem, she merely reinforced her own by telling the girls that she’s likeable, funny and organized. Nothing terrible there.

Where it quickly went downhill was when LuAnn quizzed the girls on the importance of being a Countess, which was met with blank stares and such disinterest, I almost heard crickets chirping.

And then, the “piece de resistance,” as The Countess would say, was when the girls talked about what they wanted to do when they grew up. One girl, who was tall and somewhat heavyset (as my mother would say), said she wanted to be a model. Thankfully, LuAnn agreed that she had a pretty face. But then, as a throw-away aside to the co-mentor, she said “Losing weight is the easy part.” Wow, Countess, thanks for crushing that girl’s dreams. The girl never mentioned her weight but LuAnn just had to point out her flaws in a session aimed at building up. Funny, how it ended with her tearing someone down.

The scene ended with her playing basketball with the girls and feeling like the girls just couldn’t get enough of her time with them. I think that if these are truly the “smart girls,” they had more than enough Countess for one day.

Watch yourself and tell me if I'm wrong:

Celebumoms and Reality

Karen Waldkirch — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 12:51:41 GMT

I’m a huge pop culture fan. I regularly read People and Entertainment Weekly. The lives of celebrities are somewhat interesting to me. I do not, however, think of celebrities as role models, especially when it comes to parenting.

There’s a group of women in Hollywood that I call celebumoms. This is the word I use to describe big stars that are mothers. America has a growing fascination with them. First of all there are the bad or questionable celebumoms – Britney Spears is probably the poster child for this group. She seems to be digging her way out of this.

For some reason, America has a misguided notion about so-called “good” celebumoms – Angelina Jolie, Katie Holmes and Julia Roberts are examples. People assume that because we see these starlets hauling their kids around like accessories, they are excellent moms. That may or may not be true.

What is definitely true is the fact that these Hollywood leading ladies have help…LOTS of help. They have nannies just waiting to grant their every wish. Thinking back on when my kids were babies, if I had that kind of help, I would have looked a lot better and been far less crabby. Just imagine the sleep I could have had!

What drives me nuts is when I read quotes describing stars as “hands-on” mothers or “really connected” to their kids. If by “really connected” you mean viewing the children at least once a day, then yes, they are connected.

Just once, I’d like to read an interview with a celebumom where she says: “You know what, I haven’t slept or showered in a week. I’m constantly on the verge of tears and have no clue what day it is. Oh and I can only fit into maternity clothes. Yeah, it kinda sucks.” Does that mean she’s a good mom? No. But it means that she’s a real mom and that’s far more interesting to me.

What's the Rush?!

Karen Waldkirch — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:47:11 GMT

The other day, I had an argument with my daughter about her college credits. Here’s the thing – she’s a junior in high school. The argument started when she was trying to figure out her senior year class schedule…during the first week of the second semester of junior year. Here’s how the argument went:

Her: Mom, I’m trying to decide if I should take AP (Advanced Placement) U.S. History AND AP English.

Me: Well, keep in mind that senior year can be pretty stressful with college applications and such. Are you sure you can handle TWO AP classes?

Her: Oh my God, mom, you just don’t want me to take AP Classes! I’m trying to get some college credits out of the way before I get there!

That stopped me in my tracks. My daughter was already worried about completing college credits before she had even chosen a college. What are we doing to our kids? Why is this scenario even on their horizons? What is wrong with high school students being, um, high school students?

Here’s my question: What’s the hurry? Why are we in such a rush for our kids to grow up? At what point do they get to be kids? What’s next? Pre-Occupational Skills Classes in 5K? ACT/SAT Prep Sessions for First Graders? Huh, I wonder why kids today are so stressed out?

Oh and my daughter and I compromised. She chose one AP class instead of two, thereby giving her time to pursue her love of musical theatre, something she will eventually study…in college.

Subscription Conniption

Karen Waldkirch — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:05:31 GMT

Like lots of people these days, I’m trying to do more with less. I’m looking at my expenses and trying to trim them where possible. However, there is one area that seems perpetually out of control – magazine subscriptions.

In our house, it all started many years ago with a magazine fundraising drive. I am the wimpiest fundraiser on the face of the earth and I absolutely HATE asking people for money. (One of many reasons why a career in sales was never in the cards for me.) When my kids were offered an out-of-uniform pass for sending postcards to out-of-town family, I always made them write in huge letters: THERE IS NO OBLIGATION. I also sent out e-mails ahead of time warning people that they’d get postcards and telling them they could do the same to us.

That was all fine and good, but those fundraising companies know exactly what they are doing. Along with whooping the kids into a frenzy at kickoff rallies, they also baited them with toys and trinkets if they hit fundraising goals. In the end, because I was such a wimp, I’d cave in and decide that I would actually enjoy a subscription to “Everyday with Rachel Ray,” along with several other truly unnecessary titles. Pretty bad, I know, but on “turn-in day,” it seemed the path of least resistance.

But here’s the thing: It didn’t stop there. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was just dealing with an overabundance of magazines. The problem is, maybe I’m crazy but it seems like they send out renewal notices within a week or two of getting the first issue. It’s so incredibly annoying…and confusing.

At first I fell for it nearly every time. “Oh look,” I’d say. “It’s time to renew American Girl.” But then one day I actually looked at my mailing label of the magazine or online and found out that I had already paid for a two-year subscription. With their stealth and sneaky marketing gimmicks, I was going to be subscribing to American Girl until my daughter graduated from college.

And although I’ve gotten a lot smarter, these renewal mailings still drive me crazy and cause me momentary concern. With phrases like: “Last chance!” or “One issue left!,” they still get me every time. You know what they say: There’s a sucker born every minute. Yeah, that’s me alright.

Oh, Act Your Age!

Karen Waldkirch — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:31:36 GMT

You have to hand it to infants. They’ve figured it out. It’s all about them and, most importantly, they actually get to act their age. What about six year-olds, you’re asking? Or seven or eight year-olds? Nope, not them. They already have to worry about what will happen when they’re twelve. And fifteen year-olds? Well, they have to worry about what to do for the rest of their lives.

What the heck am I talking about? It’s my latest gripe. I call it: “When do kids get to be kids?”

Through the years, I’ve encountered it here and there. Mild concerns about how old my kids were when they walked. Were their vocabularies broad enough? Will their skills and talents be enough to carry them to the next level?

But recently, it really hit me hard. I have a second child going through the rigors of high school. Folks, let me tell you, the days of enjoying high school are SO yesterday. The typical high school student isn’t hanging out at the soda shop after school, socializing with his or her friends. They’re scheduled from dawn till dark, filling out that high school resume.

Today high school academics are all about AP Classes, as in Advanced Placement. Ask any above-average high school student and they’ll tell you. Either they, or their parents, are worried about taking and doing well in Advanced Placement Classes which potentially earn them college credits. In other words, high school kids are starting college in high school. Is it so wrong to just be an average student?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not against bright and talented kids. I think every child has the right to take as many high level classes they can in order to remain challenged. But nowadays, we’re expecting that from EVERY kid. I’ve sat through parent meetings where parents have actually asked why their kids can’t take THREE AP classes in the same semester. Seriously.

To me, this begs the question: When do our kids just get to be where they are and act their age? When do they get to enjoy life?

And it’s not just high school. It starts in grade school where parents obsess about sending their kids to the right school and then “helicopter parent” their kids’ academics until the teachers aren’t sure whether they’re teaching the children or their parents.

It starts in athletics with select sports and getting on the right club team in order to be considered for scholarships or even just to try out for their own school’s team. It starts in the performing arts where kids have to have THE right teacher and be in THE right program so they can eventually perform at the highest level.

In this day and age of living vicariously through our children, we’ve somehow stolen their right to let them be themselves and discover their passions the old-fashioned way – through trial and error. Through failures and the rare success. Instead, we’re going out of our way to insure success.

Which brings me back to babies. Although we try, babies are relatively immune to our attempts to make them do anything faster than they’re able. Sure, you can sign them up for classes, you can practice with them hourly, but if they’re not ready to sit up or crawl or sleep through the night or be potty trained, they’re not going to do it. And that’s OK. And that’s the way it should be…for all kids.

Who's Zoomin' Who?

Karen Waldkirch — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 20:25:00 GMT

OK, I’m going to try and bring this up as nicely as I can. And, I’m going to try to remember that I am not and was not a perfect parent at any point of my life. And….I’m going to do my best not to offend every mother in Milwaukee. (Although, hey, maybe I’ll actually get a comment or two – bonus!) OK, here goes:

I think parents today are too permissive. I think their kids are riding roughshod all over them. The inmates are running the asylum.

A case in point: The other night, my husband and I treated ourselves to a movie and dinner. We ate at a nice restaurant in a nice neighborhood. Although we were not really dressed up, some people were. In my book, that means be on your best behavior – i.e. don’t bother those around you.

There were a couple of families there. And, apparently, in one of the rooms, there was a piano. I didn’t think anything of either the kids or the piano until they met. Suddenly, all of us were treated to somebody’s piano recital. Somebody’s beginning piano recital. I know this because I remember when my kids played those exact songs exactly just as badly.

I think kids and pianos are fabulous, just not in a restaurant where soft music is already being played over the sound system. I tried to relax and tune it out, but it was impossible. It went on for about 15 to 20 minutes. My husband went to the restroom and said upon his return that it was a very young child and her beaming mother. I’m sure she was proud of her child, but why does that have to interrupt everyone else’s nice quiet dinner? I don't think that child was exhibiting bad behavior, but it just didn't seem the right place or the right time for her to tickle the ivories.

But bad behavior is in other places. It’s in churches and stores and malls. Kids are running and jumping and screaming and the parents seem completely oblivious. I know full well how tough it is to control young kids, but lately, it seems like nobody is even trying. It’s as if they’re afraid to say no to the kids.

I have lots of memories of eating at restaurants and sitting outside the front door or in the waiting area because my then-toddler wasn’t behaving. My husband and I would tag-team it, rather than bothering the other patrons. The crying room at church was practically my second home. And I have a great story about a trip to the mall that lasted all of three minutes, thanks to my daughter and one of her many early temper tantrums.

My philosophy then was not to subject others to my kids’ poor behavior. Nowadays, it seems like more parents prefer to negotiate with their kids and the rest of us have to deal with it. Hardly seems fair or polite.

What do you think? Are today’s kids well-behaved or are they out of control? Is the art of being considerate toward others no longer part of our manners? Or am I just being Miss Cranky once again? (It wouldn’t be the first time!)

Back-to-School Means Back-to-Stress

Karen Waldkirch — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:15:00 GMT

I’m currently in this really fascinating time of life. Thanks to kids and personal interests, my friends are between the ages of mid-twenties to early fifties. Some have tiny tots and others, like me, have grown or almost grown kids.

Universally, what is shared by all of these differently aged women – “momographics,” if you will – is that back-to-school is THE most stressful time of the year.

In the past week, I have had untold number of conversations about meetings, registrations, textbooks, open houses, homerooms, forms to fill out, things to sign up for, volunteering, carpools, school photos…! And along with school comes the dizzying array of extra-curricular activities. It’s enough to make anybody’s head spin.

The other thing about this time of year is that it’s very emotional for women. (Sure, it’s sexist, but I have yet to see a teary-eyed dad standing in the school parking lot.) Some of us very reluctantly send our kids off to college or perhaps kindergarten for the first time. Others are planning that first-day-of-school party to celebrate getting back a bit of “me” time.

No matter what time of life this is for you – teeny babies or college co-eds – there’s only one way to keep your wits about you – organization. Seriously, if you don’t have mad organizational skills, you’ll go insane. I vividly remember creating a staging area on my dining room table in the days leading up to the start of school. I’d have piles for each kid with signatures and checks attached to what seemed like millions of forms.

Now my organizational skills are needed mostly to drag people out of bed and sometimes shove them out the door on time. I try really hard to squelch the control freak in me by letting them tell me what they need. More times than not, I can’t help myself. I hate to admit it, but in the back of my head it’s because I feel like a forgotten form or check will reflect badly on my parenting skills. As my husband often says to me: “It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Ouch.

What about you? How are you feeling about back-to-school? Weepy or joyous? What drives you crazy about getting back into the old routine? If you had power, what would you change about this time of year?

How Did We Ruin Kids' Sports?

Karen Waldkirch — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:45:32 GMT

When my husband was in high school, he was the starting center for his school’s football team. He sometimes laughs about the fact that his parents almost never saw him play. They certainly never went to his practices. Having known his parents for more than half my life, I can assure you that they were and are terrific people who loved their nine children very much. But back then, in the mid-70s, kids’ sports were exactly that – KIDS’ sports.

Today, everything is different. A child doesn’t participate in a sport without a complete commitment on the part of his or her parents. COMPLETE. Suffice it to say that if your kid is in Select Soccer, YOU’RE in Select Soccer.

How did we get here? When did we get so over-the-top about kids’ sports?

Although my own kids were never very athletic, they played their share of sports. I have spent plenty of time in bleachers and on the sidelines watching them run up and down a field or a court. Those days were sometimes fun, sometimes exciting, sometimes frustrating and often exhausting. We’ve driven as far as Waukesha to see them play, and that was just during grade school. To be honest, I’m thankful they never qualified for a traveling team.

I have plenty of friends whose children play sports at various levels and their universal feeling is that there is no easy or casual way for a kid today to participate in a sport. And if their child is athletically gifted, it makes it all the more complicated.

These friends tell stories about juggling carpools and schedules and their other children so that one of their kids can fulfill their obligation to a team. They eat in their cars in-between practices. The kids get tired and weepy and difficult and neither the kids nor the parents know how to stop the madness.

We want our kids to be well-rounded. We tell them to try different things but we should consider the implications of that advice.

If a child is in multiple activities, they could easily be “booked” every day of the week. If that child has siblings and those siblings also participate in sports, things can get absolutely crazy for that family. It’s a veritable treadmill that’s nearly impossible to stop.

And there are other issues: Where does schoolwork fit into an athletic family? And what about injuries from year-round playing and training? How can the average family afford the various fees and equipment associated with a sport? Do the kids really enjoy it or are they just trying to live out the expectations of their parents?

I admit, I have no answers, but based on the conversations I’ve had with parents, they’re concerned about the toll that sports take on their kids and their families. They seem anxious to vent about the nightmarish schedules and the endless miles they put on their minivans.

What do you think? Do your kids participate in sports? Are they enjoying it? Are YOU? I’d love to hear from those of you in the trenches.

Summerfest After Dark – Not Tot-Friendly

Karen Waldkirch — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 16:07:32 GMT

I love Summerfest. I love kids. But frankly, sometimes the two don’t mix.

My husband and I have taken our kids to Summerfest since they were very young. We’ve spent hours upon hours chasing them through the PlayZone (really hard), searching for food they would like (not too hard) and looking for entertainment that would hold their interest (pretty hard.) Some years they enjoyed themselves, others, not so much. Every visit was different.

One thing was the same year after year. When the sun went down, we went home. In fact, I think our kids were 13 years old before we stayed at Summerfest with kids after dark. Now, they are obviously old enough to be there when it’s dark, but I still worry.

Apparently, some parents feel differently than I do. Last Thursday, I saw several parents with infants and toddlers at 11:30pm. That’s 11:30 pm. I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong.

Let’s talk about the good reasons for having a very young child at Summerfest at that hour: …………………….

That’s right, there are none.

I’m a grown woman and I feel rather uncomfortable in the aggressive crowds at 11:30 pm at Summerfest. Imagine being 2 years old and being there. You’re exhausted. You’re hanging on to your mom or dad for dear life as people bump into you, spill beer on you and, if you’re in a stroller, flick cigarettes in your face.

I know that Summerfest is expensive and that babysitters are expensive. Not everyone can do both. I’m suggesting that if you can’t do both, then go home when it gets dark. It truly is one of the toughest aspects of parenting – sacrificing your social life for your kids. But really, it’s the right thing to do.

Besides, before you know it, your kids will be old enough to be at Summerfest after dark. Believe me when I say that’s when it gets really hard.

Caving In and The Path of Least Resistance

Karen Waldkirch — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 12:10:00 GMT

If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m often guilty of taking the path of least resistance. I’m big on shortcuts when driving. I’m all for “semi-homemade.” And I have composed many passive-aggressive e-mails that have saved me from face-to-face confrontations.

The problem with taking the path of least resistance (let’s call it PLR) is that it never really deals with the problem at hand. Here’s my current dilemma: To clean or not to clean. I am talking, my friends, about my kids’ bedrooms.

It would not be a stretch to say that, at one time or another, my kids' bedrooms could be considered potentially hazardous and toxic. I have, indeed, found items on their bedroom floors that could not be identified without help from a local crime lab. Suffice it to say, they can get really gross.

And it really bugs me. It really bugs me.

So, like any mom, I have approached the messy bedrooms in a few different ways: I have nagged. I nagged until I almost yelled at myself to stop whining. Then I yelled. I yelled until the dog was cowering under the coffee table. I have threatened but I think there’s something in the Geneva Convention on whether or not I could carry out my threats. Finally, I resorted to PLR. I cleaned it myself.

I know, I caved. I totally broke the mom code and just did the deed myself. Yes, I felt like a hypocrite and yes I thought long and hard about the message I was sending. (Welcome to Camp Mom, enjoy the free maid service!)

And no, it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was gross. Somebody needs to invent laundry tongs because going through the clothes on the floor and determining what is dirty and what was tried on and rejected can be downright nasty.

Sure there are privacy issues. Teens deserve privacy, to a certain extent. That is, until most of their underwear is still on their bedroom floor and there is an excellent chance that they’ll go to school “commando” if that laundry isn’t put down the chute.

The thing is, as a mom, you pick and choose what to stress about…at least I do. I could make a huge deal about the messy room. Or, I could take care of it myself from time to time and hope that the de-cluttering message absorbs into them by osmosis. Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

What about you? How have you tackled the great room debate – to clean or not to clean? Does your kid's room drive you nuts?