They say it comes in threes. And sure enough, three times during the month of October death became a visitor in our home. The visitor wasn't just bringing news of the loss of a casual acquaintance or someone we knew of way back when. Two of our losses involved immediate family and the other may have well been immediate family - an 86 year old neighbor of my parents that moved to the neighborhood 40 years ago - I was just a toddler when she moved next door. She was my second grandmother - watched me grow, progress through the public school system, celebrated life's milestones, and mourned our family's losses with us. She WAS family.
The first visitor brought news of my aunt and godmother's death. Wonderful woman. Cared for my sister and I when I was four and little sister wasn't quite two. Our mother was in the hospital for two months to diagnos a condition that today could be diagnosed with an MRI or CAT scan. Two months away from our parents at that age is quite traumatic. Aunt Barbara was the next best thing to the real thing. I have fond memories of Halloween that year.along with Coco Wheats with milk and sugar for breakfast and chocolate malts for a bedtime snack. Juicy Fruit gum in the "junk" draw in the kitchen was a special treat when we were good. Playing pool in the basement rec room (without pool cues) and jumping up and down on my aunt and uncle's bed at night are all memories that will sustain me in the coming months and years.
Our second visit by the angel of death came on a chilly Saturday night at the end of the month. My parents' beloved neighbor died after a short battle with cancer. Lemonade parties in her summer gardens, festive Christmas Eves around her Christmas tree exchanging gifts, long conversations about politics, and watching her come alive when she held our infant children (she was childless) are some of the images burned in my mind. A great lady who will be sorely missed.
Visit number three claimed my mother-in-law. An eighty-four year old first generation Italian-American. Could make the best Italian Wedding Soup, hands down. A little bit of a woman with a big spirit. Held the family together through thick and thin. Taught my life partner how to reach concensus and compromise. Brought him up to respect all people. Instilled in him a love of faith and spirituality. I came to realize that the bond between mother and son in the Italian culture is very strong and difficult to fully understand.
When death calls, and there are children in the home, what should you do? For our home, our three visitors brought news of the deaths of close family. Our children knew them. It was clear to them that these losses significantly impacted their dads. Joe and I included them in the grieving process. Both of our children requested to see the woman who lived next to their grandparents a few short weeks before she died. Their request was not denied. We discussed death. The pain cancer can cause was explored. Stories were shared about birthday parties in Gladys' yard as well as weekend visits spent watching Gladys' parrot or working in her gardens. This was an important time for our family - not only for Joe and I, but our son and daughter also. Traveling to two of the three funerals was not feasible for our children. For the third funeral, they chose not to attend. We didn't push, we didn't cajole - we respected their wishes. But they did ask questions and every question was answered.
Research studies show that it's important for parents to discuss death with their children. Children journey through the grief process and parents should avail themselves to help their children process their grief. It's a scary topic because many times we realize our own mortality when we discuss the death of a loved one. Our children rely on us to help them understand what death is about. It's okay to show your emotions. Use concrete language depending on the developmental stage of your children. Don't push - be patient. Help children remember special times they experienced with the deceased. If you have difficulty answering the theological questions your children might have about death, give the leader of your spiritual community a call. If you have no spiritual community, check the Internet or go to the library. But most of all, don't run away from including your children in the dying process. It's part of life and when we help our children understand death at an early age, their response to the angel of death's visit will be healthier down the road.
