Families By Design

A Dying Art? I Hope Not!

Scott Lone — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 02:05:00 GMT

"Can I have a Tootsie Pop, please?" came the request from below the counter. I could barely see the owner of the voice, but standing on my tiptoes I did see a pink and red stocking hat and figured that a young someone, with manners, was ready to purchase a sweet treat from the concession stand at the hockey rink. "What flavor would you like?" I replied. "What kind do you have, please?" I responded, "Chocolate, raspberry, cherry, orange, and grape." "Raspberry is my favorite so that's what I'll have, please." "That will be twenty-five cents, please." "My mom gave me one quarter - is that enough?" "That sure is - here's your treat and enjoy it." "I will. Thank you!"

As a high school teacher, for many years I've thought that the words "Please" and "Thank you!" were no longer part of the English language. Entitlement rules the day where I teach - "Give me ......" or "You have to do ......." or "$@&& off!" when a student is told they can't do this or that, or that an assignment can no longer be accepted because it's well beyond the due date. It gets quite disheartening to have that kind of disrespect thrown at you day after day. And then when you meet the parents or speak with them on the phone, you realize very quickly that our students are their parents' children. And I always ask myself, "Can people tell that our son and daughter are our children?"

Spending the weekend behind the concession stand has convinced me that the art of good manners, saying "Please!" and "Thank you!", waiting in line, using a friendly voice to make a request, not believing you're entitled to this or that, is alive and well. There must still be parents out there who believe that it's important to instill good manners in their children. I learned from an early age that you attract more flies with honey than you do f with vinegar. I also learned from my parents that good manners weren't just a ploy to get what you want. Good manners were to be an intrinsic quality - you just naturally treated people with respect, even if you didn't get what you needed in that particular moment.

Our son and daughter have been brought up the same way. "Please" is frequently heard, even at the dinner table. "Thank you!" is said on the trip home after every hockey game, every night out for dinner, music concert that is attended, or after receiving a compliment from strangers on appearance and manners. They are also learning that while it's important to let management know that customer service in a business establishment may not of been of superior quality, it's equally important to let the management know when an employee has gone above what is expected. Try making a phone call to management when you're ready to file a compliment - it's a pretty interesting experience because many business owners or managers have been conditioned to assume the worst. Try it once - you'll see what I mean.

It is our responsibility, as parents, to make sure our children are polite and have manners. In some respects this is a dying art and that's unfortunate. Because one child comes from money, or is caucasian, or has a mom and a dad, does not mean they have a ticket to free entitlement. All children - rich and poor, black, white, Native American, Asian, Hispanic, raised by a single parent or gay or straight parents, need to learn the art of manners and being polite. Ask Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners - she says the same thing. Let's try to be renaissance parents and bring back the art of manners. Please!! Thank you!!!!!

When Death Calls

Scott Lone — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 01:17:42 GMT

They say it comes in threes. And sure enough, three times during the month of October death became a visitor in our home. The visitor wasn't just bringing news of the loss of a casual acquaintance or someone we knew of way back when. Two of our losses involved immediate family and the other may have well been immediate family - an 86 year old neighbor of my parents that moved to the neighborhood 40 years ago - I was just a toddler when she moved next door. She was my second grandmother - watched me grow, progress through the public school system, celebrated life's milestones, and mourned our family's losses with us. She WAS family.

The first visitor brought news of my aunt and godmother's death. Wonderful woman. Cared for my sister and I when I was four and little sister wasn't quite two. Our mother was in the hospital for two months to diagnos a condition that today could be diagnosed with an MRI or CAT scan. Two months away from our parents at that age is quite traumatic. Aunt Barbara was the next best thing to the real thing. I have fond memories of Halloween that year.along with Coco Wheats with milk and sugar for breakfast and chocolate malts for a bedtime snack. Juicy Fruit gum in the "junk" draw in the kitchen was a special treat when we were good. Playing pool in the basement rec room (without pool cues) and jumping up and down on my aunt and uncle's bed at night are all memories that will sustain me in the coming months and years.

Our second visit by the angel of death came on a chilly Saturday night at the end of the month. My parents' beloved neighbor died after a short battle with cancer. Lemonade parties in her summer gardens, festive Christmas Eves around her Christmas tree exchanging gifts, long conversations about politics, and watching her come alive when she held our infant children (she was childless) are some of the images burned in my mind. A great lady who will be sorely missed.

Visit number three claimed my mother-in-law. An eighty-four year old first generation Italian-American. Could make the best Italian Wedding Soup, hands down. A little bit of a woman with a big spirit. Held the family together through thick and thin. Taught my life partner how to reach concensus and compromise. Brought him up to respect all people. Instilled in him a love of faith and spirituality. I came to realize that the bond between mother and son in the Italian culture is very strong and difficult to fully understand.

When death calls, and there are children in the home, what should you do? For our home, our three visitors brought news of the deaths of close family. Our children knew them. It was clear to them that these losses significantly impacted their dads. Joe and I included them in the grieving process. Both of our children requested to see the woman who lived next to their grandparents a few short weeks before she died. Their request was not denied. We discussed death. The pain cancer can cause was explored. Stories were shared about birthday parties in Gladys' yard as well as weekend visits spent watching Gladys' parrot or working in her gardens. This was an important time for our family - not only for Joe and I, but our son and daughter also. Traveling to two of the three funerals was not feasible for our children. For the third funeral, they chose not to attend. We didn't push, we didn't cajole - we respected their wishes. But they did ask questions and every question was answered.

Research studies show that it's important for parents to discuss death with their children. Children journey through the grief process and parents should avail themselves to help their children process their grief. It's a scary topic because many times we realize our own mortality when we discuss the death of a loved one. Our children rely on us to help them understand what death is about. It's okay to show your emotions. Use concrete language depending on the developmental stage of your children. Don't push - be patient. Help children remember special times they experienced with the deceased. If you have difficulty answering the theological questions your children might have about death, give the leader of your spiritual community a call. If you have no spiritual community, check the Internet or go to the library. But most of all, don't run away from including your children in the dying process. It's part of life and when we help our children understand death at an early age, their response to the angel of death's visit will be healthier down the road.

The Must See Attraction

Scott Lone — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 00:36:33 GMT

One more reflection on our trip to Walt Disney World.

Being middle-aged, the stomach on this old man can't handle what it used to in relation to thrill rides. Back in the day, I'd be running through the amusement parks headed for the biggest, wildest, fastest ride. It seemed that there wasn't any ride I couldn't conquer. While my parents went to the shows at Marriott's Great America (as it was called back then), I was on the American Eagle, the Tidal Wave, the Demon, and all the others. By the way - those rides don't hold a candle to what Six Flags has now!

At Epcot Center, I went on the Trip to Mars ride. I had a choice - the orange ride (not for the faint of heart) or the green ride (mild version of orange). Not sure why I chose orange, knowing that during the summer of 2007 while at Six Flags I had a "Dad, what's up? You don't look good!" incident on what most would consider a "baby" ride. It wasn't long after the harness was locked on the Trip to Mars ride that I knew I had made a mistake. A return trip to the resort for the rest of the afternoon was in order.

My favorite thrill attraction was at Disney's Hollywood Studios. The Tower of Terror. Loved it! Laughed all the way down, and back up again, and laughed all the way down again. It felt like I was at a ComedySportz show - the body shaking laughter didn't stop. No ill effects. Loved it - went on it twice. Best of the thrill rides there.

But, the best of all really shows my age. Location: Magic Kingdom. Ride name: It's A Small World. Yeah, ok. Go ahead say it. I know what you're thinking. But life takes its twists and turns and things that seemed meaningless ten or fifteen years ago now find new meaning. The last time I floated through the famous ride was eleven years ago. It was nice, the song was addictive (ad nauseum at the time), and the costumes on the children of the world were flashy.

Read the words and imagine the tune in your head:

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears
It's a world of hopes, it's a world of fear
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

   There is just one moon and one golden sun
   And a smile means friendship to everyone.
   Though the mountains divide
   And the oceans are wide
   It's a small small world

   It's a small world after all
   It's a small world after all
   It's a small world after all
   It's a small, small world

So what's different now that makes It's A Small World my favorite attraction? Those life twists and turns have brought me to lead a family with my life partner, Joe. Those twists and turns have brought two beautiful children into our life. Those twists and turns have brought me face-to-face with hate and discrimination. Those twists and turns have caused friends to turn their backs and walk away. Those twists and turns have brought new friends who support and love our family in spite of, and sometimes because of, the diversity of our family.

It isn't hard to celebrate diversity when you're perceived to somehow be different. When you're on the outside looking in, you also become very aware of others on the outside. You understand the necessity to bond together to survive. You appreciate differences. Our world is very diverse - ethnicity, languages, religion, abilities, sexual orientation. But when you stop and reflect, there really is so much that we share. It really is time we are aware that it IS a small world. Even though the mountains seem to divide and the oceans part us, we do all see the same sun and moon. It's a small world, after all!!

The Year of a Million Dreams

Scott Lone — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:23:52 GMT

One million dreams made by the end of the year. That's the goal of Walt Disney World, where they create the magic to make those dreams come true. Will they reach their goal? Will their advertising campaign pay off? I would imagine they'll come close to having one million visitors this year, but whether those one million dreams come true remains to be seen. The unknown factor in the equation doesn't have anything to do with WDW and what they offer. It has everything to do with the families that visit - more especially, the parents who take their children there.

My partner had a business conference at the Contemporary Resort, located right outside of the Magic Kingdom - a five minute walk to the gates of everything Disney. With the prospect of time in Florida, and more importantly, at Walt Disney World, the game was on. We could purchase discounted park tickets because my partner was attending a conference. Who could refuse that deal? A four day Park-Hopper passport would be ideal - it would give us the opportunity to see the four major parks, and park hop if we wanted to during the day. Park hopping is very easy with Disney's incredible transportation system. Warm weather, no rain, experiencing the Disney charm and magic - what a great trip!

But, there were a few nightmares along with those one million dreams. Oh, nothing terrible. Nothing that would keep us from a return trip in the next decade. But I'm sure what I would consider a minor nightmare was a major nightmare for other parents. You see, Disney can give parents all the tools they need to help create the magic and make those dreams come true. But ultimately, it's the parents who are responsible for those dreams being happy and magical.

After observing models of parenting at work in the various parks, at various times of the day, here's what I learned:

1. If bedtime for your toddler or very young elementary school aged child is 8 PM on a normal night, stick to that bedtime at Disney. OK - stretch it for a bit more, but no more than an additional one half hour. Young children do not do well with changes in their routine, and when you start to play with bedtime, there are no winners. The magic fades, other guests have to listen to the cranky children and short-fused parents, and you wonder, "Where has all the magic gone?" We did quite well in sticking to a routine and there were no losers. Of course, having older children helps.

2. Before you take the plunge and decide to stand in a long line, waiting for the ultimate roller coaster, or the Tower of Terror, make sure everyone's tummies are full and bathroom duty has been taken care of. Trying to soothe a hungry tummy with 300 people in front of you and 150 people behind you makes for close encounters that aren't of a nice kind. Bathroom duty can't take place in line, so make sure everyone has done what they need to do before you begin the long line journey.

3. It's OK to miss a few attractions in each park. If you run out of time on vacation, recall the good times and the fun you had at the attractions you were able to see. Of course if you're able to stretch your stay into a seven or ten day visit, this shouldn't be a problem.

4. Plan your day the night before. Take into account everyone's wants and needs, along with your routine from home. Don't skip naps or down time - you'll pay for that later, as will those around you in line and on Disney transportation.

5. Remember, this is a kid's vacation. We saw parents with YOUNG children (ages 2 and 3) getting on the buses at 10 PM to head to Disney's Boardwalk and Downtown Disney. Some of the resorts offer babysitting services, but it wasn't difficult to wonder whose needs were being served with the family getting on the bus at 10 PM to head out to these places. Sometimes it's hard to know when to call it a day at a place like WDW, but all you need to do is ask yourself, "When do we call it a day at home?"

6. When you receive outstanding service from a "cast member" (employee), make sure you notify the management. We encountered nothing but friendly faces and outstanding service. A phone call was placed to the Director of Transportation after our bus driver to the Boardwalk made us feel like we owned WDW. We were informed that he would be receiving a highly coveted award for outstanding customer service. Who doesn't like that?

The year of a million dreams. Yes, they have the magic. Yes, they do make dreams come true. But we, as parents, have to partner with WDW to make the dreams of our children come true. A little common sense and relying on routine can turn a good vacation into a great vacation!