The subtitle for this blog is: "What NOT to say to a pregnant woman."
Last week I made a call-out to Milwaukee moms to find out what people have said to them when they're pregnant that made their blood boil. You know, those little off-hand comments that people make that leave you shaking your head. (And let's be honest, we've all made them.) Our local moms had lots of tales to tell, and many of the same comments kept coming up over and over again as the greatest offenders.
I offer them here as a lesson in what not to say (while admitting that I've done many, if not all, of these myself) and what not do.
Please.
Seriously.
Read and learn.
1) Pregnant women know they are big. Trust us. When we're pregnant, we're painfully aware of it from the top of our heads to the tips of the toes on our swollen feet. Therefore, the following comments aren't appreciated:
You're huge!
Are you due next month? -- when your due date is still four months away
Are you having twins? Answer: No. Follow-up question: Are you sure?
Are you worried about how much weight you've gained?
It's so weird -- your legs run right into your feet! You don't have ankles anymore.
Should you be eating (or drinking) that? (Editorial comment: Ask a pregnant woman that at your own risk.)
Are you pregnant, or just fat?
I never gained much weight when I was pregnant. In fact, my doctor was worried because I was too thin!
You're really starting to waddle when you walk.
After the child is born, we really don't appreciate hearing:
Wow, you still look pregnant!
Are you sure there isn't still another one in there? (Ha, ha. Ha! Duck to avoid the fist that's coming at you.)
The baby doesn't look like you at all. Are you sure you're the mother/father?
2) Getting personal probably isn't a good idea. The moms I heard from do not appreciate answering questions about their sex lives, especially from nosy co-workers or distant relatives or random people on an elevator. As a result, rule out the following:
I thought you were on birth control.
I didn't know you were trying.
Did you plan this?
Who's the father?
Are you trying for a boy (or girl -- whatever it is you don't have yet)? Or, if you tell someone that you're having a girl or boy, and you already have a child of the other gender, that helpful person might let you know that's good news "because now you're done."
Did this happen the natural way?
How many kids are you going to have?
3) Odd comments or predictions of doom are definitely not appreciated. It might be a good idea to avoid saying:
Are you happy about being pregnant? Answer: Yes. Follow-up comment: Because at your age, the odds of miscarriage are really high or your child might have a birth defect.
I hope you aren't telling everyone that you're pregnant. What if something happens to the baby?
You are carrying so low that baby is going to just fall out.
You're pregnant? Is that a good thing?
Did you consider having an abortion?
4) We know pregnancy takes a long time, and many of us work and continue on with our lives up until the baby is born. It isn't necessary to remind us that we're still pregnant and the baby should be arriving soon. Believe me, we know.
That baby still hasn't come yet?
Be sure your water doesn't break here at work, OK?
Said as you walk in the door each day to work: You're still here?
Said every time you answer the phone: So no baby yet?
I swear you get bigger every time I see you! And I just saw you a few minutes ago.
5) No one likes "just you wait" statements. These were the ones that really put me over the edge. You're already exhausted and uncomfortable and swollen and too hot and your skin is all broken out and itches and your nose is stuffed. Yet lots of people (mostly those who are already parents) like to make sure you know the misery is just beginning with gems like:
You better sleep now. Just you wait until that baby comes. You won't be sleeping at all.
Enjoy your free time now. You won't have any once that baby comes.
If you think your body aches now, just you wait until you give birth. Then you'll feel some real pain!
6) And finally, look but don't touch -- unless you ask. Moms reported to me that they often don't mind sharing their pregnant bellies with the world, and letting someone feel the baby kick or move around can be a great experience. However, not all moms feel that way. You wouldn't randomly touch the belly of anyone else, so ask first. You won't regret it.
So that concludes the list of don'ts. But I wouldn't feel right ending this without sharing one great story that stands out from my pregnancy days.
I was pregnant with my first child, and like most soon-to-be moms, a little nervous, tired and overwhelmed with all that was to come. I was telling a co-worker about all of this in the lunchroom as another co-worker sat at another table nearby. As we got up to leave, the co-worker from the other table, herself a mom of two grown children and about to become a grandma, stopped me and lightly touched my hands. She had overheard what I'd said to my friend.
"It's normal to worry," she said gently. "But don't let worries spoil this time for you. You're making a new life, and that's a miracle! Try to relax and soak it all in. The best is yet to come."
She looked into my eyes with a few tears in hers, smiled, patted my hands and walked away.
Simply stated and to the heart. That was perfect, and that was enough.
