Roll With It

The divorce rate for parents of children with disabilities is 79%.  Whew.  That's quite a statistic.  I can see how it happens.  Marriage can be hard enough with so many things to agree on or not; money, household duties and child-rearing.  Then, there is the added responsibility of having a child with special needs.  We all know what those extra stressors are; worry over our children's health, education, future and more money worries because the financial strain on households with children with disabilities can be significantly higher than the average household. 

Lots of bad news right?  Not necessarily - there are things we can do to protect our marriages and our families.  We owe it to ourselves and our kids to fight for our marriage and fight hard.  I took a quick very informal survey and asked a few of my friends who have kids with disabilities what they do to fight for their marriage and keep it strong.  Here are some of their answers along with mine.

1.  Put your marriage first.  Oh, I know its difficult - especially with a child with special needs, but for the family to succeed in the long run - it is important to make time as a couple - not just as parents. Make and keep a weekly date night.  Come heck or high water do not give up that date night.  Remember what brought you and your spouse together in the first place and try really hard not to talk about your child's diagnosis - do something fun.  Go to a wine tasting or Jazz in the Park or try that new place on Capitol in Brookfield - Agave Southwestern Grill - they have a great outdoor patio that is festive and a fun place to hang out with your spouse.  Do anything that you love to do and do it together.   United Cerebral Palsy has a respite program that we found helpful when Andrew was younger.  Here is the link:  http://www.ucpsew.org/newRespite.html

2. Do nice things for eachother - like you used to when you were dating or first married.  A friend of mine will take her husband's car to the car wash and put his favorite gum on the dashboard.  Another friend's husband will draw a bath, light the candles and then leave her alone so she can enjoy much needed quiet time.  Last week, my husband offerred to watch my girlfriend's boys, because her husband was out of town so that we could go out on a girl's night.  It is the little things that you show each other how much you care that will add strength to your marriage.

3. Touch each other.  Life is full of details to be taken care of -mail, laundry, dinner, shopping and phone calls.  If you don't take the time to stop and touch each other, it may seem like you are not much more than cubicle mates.  Touch, in any form, is a great way to remind yourself that this relationship is intimate.

4. Communicate and laugh together. Share the good and the bad - it will help to lighten your load. A friend of mine and her husband share funny stories from their day as often as possible and with three kids, she says that there is plenty of humorous material to go around! 

5. Respect the fact that your spouse may be at different levels of accepting your child's disability and accept those differences.

6. Don't forget to take "me" time!  Another friend says that she needs that time to re-energize and get a fresh perspective on life.  Personally, I feel like a better spouse and parent after a girl's night out or better yet, a girl's weekend away!

7. Find a good counselor, if need be.  Cars need tune-ups right?  Think of it as maintenance for your marriage.  Ask friends or your doctor for a referral.  Good marriage counselors will give you and your spouse the tools you need to deal to comminciate and lighten the stress on your marriage.

What other things can we do to keep our marriages on track?  What do you do to keep your marriage strong?

My son made me dinner tonight and I am grinning from ear to ear.  Andrew likes to create his own recipes, but it is usually me who assembles and cooks them.  Tonight however, he wanted to do the creating and the cooking and after a very busy day - this was a gift.  It wasn't fancy, but it was good and super simple.  Sometimes, those are the best kind!  Here's a tip: keep diced vegetables in the fridge for small kids so they can be more independent when cooking.  This is an easy recipe that may be just the thing to get young kids interested in cooking and who knows?  With a little encouragement your kids may soon make dinner for you!   Here it is:

Little Mexican Pizzas For Mom

- 2 English Muffins, Split

- 1 cup Spaghetti Sauce mixed 1/4 cup cream

- 1 cup diced yellow and orange peppers (mixed)

- 1 small can of diced green chiles, drained

- 4 slices Monterrey Jack Cheese

- 1/2 cup Kraft Grated Parmesan Cheese

Split the English Muffins and place on a cookie sheet.  Spread the creamy spaghetti sauce evenly on all four halves of the english muffins.  Mix drained green chiles with diced peppers. Top each muffin with diced peppers, monterrey jack and parmesan cheeses.  Place under broiler until cheese is hot and bubbly - about 3-4 minutes.  Note: Help little ones remove pizzas from oven. Serve with sliced watermelon.  Enjoy!

I wrote a story last year for the Journal Sentinel about what parents of kids with disabilities do to stay physically strong and I interviewed several parents about their workout habits.  These parents biked, lifted weights, did yoga and pilates all in an effort to get and stay strong so that they would be ready to care for their children with disabilities both physically and mentally.  This summer I hit a physical wall and the time has come for me to take their advice.   

One of the realities of raising a child with a physical disability is that at some point that child will grow big enough that he will be difficult to move, if at all.  At almost 14 years old, Andrew has indeed grown quite tall and when he is standing comes up to the bridge of my nose.  I have always been strong enough to move him if necessary and have never really needed or wanted help. Andrew is more than fairly independent and can mostly transfer himself, unless he has the flu or like this weekend when we were literally stuck in the pool.  Andrew was too cold, wet and tired from swimming to stand or walk up the steps and I was having a difficult time moving his frame up and out of the pool.  The world is full of helpful people however, and as much as I didn't want help, I needed it and reluctantly accepted it from a man who was at the pool with his granddaughters. As Andrew said, "A grandpa to the rescue!"   He grabbed one arm and I grabbed the other and with Andrew's help, we slowly got out of the pool and into his wheelchair.  After thanking him profusely, he told me that he helps his son, who is a priest, at several camps for kids with disabilities and that it is okay to ask for help.  In raising Andrew, I have always known this day would come - when I would not be able to move him on my own.  What I didn't bargain for, was how it would make me feel - and I really hate to say this - sort of helpless.  So I will take the advice of those strong parents that I interviewed and hit the gym along with Andrew, so that both of us will be strong enough to physically and emotionally to move through life.  Oh, and ask for help when we need it.    How do you transfer your children?  What do you do to get and stay strong?