SAHM I Am

The other day when Audrey was pretending to be a puppy, I said something so ridiculous that I had to stop what I was doing, sit down, and reflect for a moment.  I had gone on to the back patio to light the grill and Audrey was still inside.  For some reason I closed the sliding glass door and not just the screen door.  When I looked up, she was licking the glass door.  “Stop licking the dang door Audrey.”  “But I’m a puppy, mommy.”  “I don’t care if you’re a puppy, licking doors is disgusting.” 

It was a light bulb moment, one in which I realized I have been saying such weird things and they’re mostly at the expense of trying to keep Audrey safe and relatively germ free.  Yesterday in the tub I told her to stop eating the bubbles and then to stop licking the bathtub.  I have no idea why she licks things.  She takes her imagination one step further than I would like.  It’s fine to pretend to be an animal but there’s no way she’s going to continue to lick my face, eat food from a bowl like a dog, or lick her arms and hands like a cat does to clean itself.  I have to draw a line somewhere.

I’ve had to tell her to not pick her nose in public and have offered her a tissue instead.  I’ve had to tell her to stop discussing the size of mommy’s breasts and the fact that her dad has nipples.  I’ve said on numerous occasions “little girls don’t spit”.  We’ve had a discussion pertaining to passing gas and the fact that yes, everybody does it, but no, not everyone thinks it’s funny.

Once, when she was much smaller, I had to move her hand away from the neighbor’s dog’s rectal area.  “Don’t stick your finger in there,” I warned her.  She was running around the house one day wearing nothing but shorts.  I told her to put a shirt on but she reminded me that Mickey Mouse doesn’t wear a shirt and since she’s a method actor, she couldn’t possibly be bothered by an additional piece of clothing.    

One day I’ll look back on all of this and laugh.  Until then, I’ll continue to say “keep you your hands out of your pants”, “get that thing out of your ear”, and “Please for the Love of God, stop licking your baby doll. You’re not a mother deer cleaning a baby deer.”  Note to self, Bambi is no longer allowed to be read in this house.

The past two weeks have been rough.  The start of the school year was pretty uneventful and then I started to notice that Audrey was becoming more clingy, more anxious, more prone to crying outbursts.  It had to be the start of school, I thought.  On the 4^th day of school, last Thursday, I went to drop her off and she wouldn’t let go of my leg. I haven’t seen her cry like that in a very long time.  The teacher’s assistant assured me it would be fine and that I should just give Audrey a kiss and leave.  I drove home, very on edge. My two peaceful hours alone were anything but.  I was waiting for the phone to ring saying that I should pick Audrey up.  I debated whether I should call the teacher and ask how she was, but instead I took a shower and then sat in my living room until it was time to go get her from school.  All the while I could feel my heart slowly starting to break.

I was informed that it took her a good 5 minutes before she calmed down and then wasn’t in the best of moods the rest of the day.  She refused to paint with the other kids and started crying the moment she saw me at pick up.  My heart broke some more, but I was trying to appear strong.

Over the weekend my husband and I began to notice that she was becoming even more anxious when we went to a public place.  When we went to the store, if we all weren’t in the same aisle together, Audrey freaked out.  We went apple picking and she spent most of the time crying and wondering if we were going to leave or lose her.  Again, little pieces of my heart were breaking off.

I attempted to take her to dance class last night and we didn’t even make into the room.  She turned purple she was crying so hard.  Needless to say, I was dreading drop off today for school.  My husband and I had a talk with her at dinner about her being scared and crying and she told us that “I just cry a lot. I’m sad”. Honestly, can my heart break any more?

Drop off this morning went fine.  There was some sadness when I left, but she didn’t cry.  I know she was trying so hard not to, but I could still see that little bottom lip quiver.

This has been a summer of transition and I know it’s all taking a toll on her at once.  The move to our new house may have happened nearly 4 months ago, but she still is not completely happy here.  She tells us she wants her old house back and wants the movers to come and get her things again.  We transitioned to no nap and only resort to letting her sleep when she’s not feeling great or has gotten up to early.  I signed her up for a dance class where the parents have to leave the room, and then of course, there’s preschool.  Many 3-year olds have no trouble transitioning, but not all.  I naively thought Audrey would be the one who would jump right in and relish every second of her new found freedom. 

I try to be positive and talk myself out of feeling so guilty about all of this.  There are kids in her class her are almost an entire year older than her so I can’t compare her to them, and really, I shouldn’t try to compare her to anyone else.  But that’s what we parents do, isn’t it? 

All I want is for her to feel safe and be happy again. I hope that this is just a passing phase, and a quick passing phase, because I think if my heart breaks any more, I’m going to be the one crying at drop off.

*Just an update from this morning. When I picked her up, she was in very good spirits and told me she had a happy day and that she did not cry at all.  I know this is going to be a day-to-day thing, but at least the immense guilty feeling is slowly lifting.

Audrey and I ventured to Illinois today to spend the day with Nana (my mom) and Papa (my dad).  Papa’s birthday was today and my Oma and Opa (my grandparents) were having dinner for him.  For all non-German speaking folks, Oma and Opa are German for Grandma and Grandpa. My husband is out of town on business so I made the lovely 1 hr 20 min drive by myself.  It’s not that it’s a long drive, but it’s a drive that you really have to pay attention to.  Most of the route is through the Kettle Moraine forest, and to me, that means deer.  I am petrified of hitting a deer so I apologize to the driver’s behind me; I typically don’t drive 5 miles UNDER the speed limit.

Today was a fine family affair.  My brother, Alex, was sent home from nursing clinicals today because he wasn’t feeling well at the hospital.  Somewhere in that sentence, I detect irony.  So while Audrey played tea party and gave Nana’s stuffed animals a ride on the rocking horse, Alex, my mom, and I discussed politics.  We’re a very passionate family and even though we agree on almost everything political, we still feel the need to raise our voices when discussing the issues.  Audrey must think we’re nuts.  My mom is becoming the ultimate political guru.  Got a question about a candidate or this year’s election in general? Ask my mom, I guarantee a completely un-bias answer (total sarcasm intended).  We also talked baseball as we so often hope to do around this time of year.  When the Cubs have an excellent chance at the playoffs, we are the most die-hard fans you’ll ever meet.  When they’re not having a great year, well, there’s always next. 

A day at Nana and Papa’s, by definition, means a lot of spoiling will be involved.  Spoiling in the “Another cupcake? Okay, but only if you just eat the frosting” sense. My poor Oma slaved over a hot stove all day to make two roasts, her famous German potato dumplings, and countless other sides, only to have her dinner completely ignored by her great-granddaughter.  I know Oma really only cares about seeing Audrey and isn’t the least bit offended by the lack of consumption, but it would have been nice for Audrey to at least TRY the dumpling she helped make.

Going to Nana and Papa’s also means that Audrey is sure to learn something new.  Today it was a song involving the word “diarrhea”.  I won’t go in to any further detail only that I hope and pray that she forgets all the words by the time she goes back to school in the morning.  At least I’ll have a good defense if her teacher pulls me aside at the end of the day.  “I didn’t teach her that.  It was her Nana.” 

Overall, it was a great day.  I love spending time with my family and I know that Audrey does too.  She’s so lucky to have her great-grandparents (and one additional great-grandfather from my side and a great-grandmother from my husband’s side) as part of her life.  She is loved and adored and spoiled, and that’s just the way it should be.

Last night was a pretty slow night for tv so my husband and I decided to tune in to Fashion Rocks.  Kohl’s was one of the major sponsors of the event, and being the company man that my hubby is, we thought we’d help the ratings by suffering through the two hours.  While watching Fashion Rocks, I learned two things.  I am getting old and I am quite out of touch.

Let’s break down the show into the two titular words “FASHION” and “ROCKS”.  I am not fashionable.  I never have been and it’s not something I have ever desired to be.  I am quite comfortable in basic color tees and sweaters and jeans.  In the summer I have 5 different pairs of khaki capris.  I am as boring as it comes.  For my 30^th birthday I wore a silky black shirt that I lovingly named the “booby” shirt because I felt that’s what people would stare at all night when I wore it.  That was my one slip into the high fashion world and I was totally uncomfortable.  I am also not fashionable, because fashion really isn’t made for people like me. I’m short and stout.  The stout thing I could work on, but even when I was much thinner, clothes just never looked right on me.  I am only 5’ tall and even petite length pants are too long.  I put on a pair of sweatpants the other night and I could pull them up to my neck and bottoms rested on my ankles.  I buy some brands of capri pants that can be pulled off as regular length pants.  I don’t need to go on “What Not to Wear” because I do follow what’s in style and I shop at fairly trendy stores, I just tend to go for the same look every time.  You’d think one person could only have so many black short-sleeved tops, but you’d be mistaken.  The only things that I like that are truly fashionable are my Coach purses. They’re a guilty pleasure and they may not necessarily go with my Lands End navy blue tee and capri jeans, but they’re just so dang cute.

“Rocks” was the other focus of the show.  You must understand that I am someone who loves music. I am a singer, my dad is a drummer and my husband is an all-around musician. Music is a constant in our lives.  The thing of it is, I don’t listen to a lot of popular music these days.  I have a six-disc changer in my car and I only listen to two of the cd’s-Now That’s What I Call Shrek (music from and inspired by the Shrek movies) and The Curious George Soundtrack (featuring music by Jack Johnson).  We listen to these CD’s so often that the other day, the Shrek CD started to skip. God help us all if that disc breaks.  So although I knew most of the artists that performed last night, I didn’t know any of their songs (except for their interpretations of classics).  I was really excited when Lynyrd Skynyrd came on stage with Kid Rock.  I know all of their songs and have seen them in concert twice.  Then came a selection of Timbaland produced singers.  Who? I guess he’s the most sought after producer and I didn’t know a single one of the songs. Old and out of touch am I.  Finally at the end there was a bevy of the “most talented women in music today” singing a song about standing up to cancer.  Catchy tune, but why did I only know half of the women? I knew Carrie Underwood from American Idol and of course I know Mariah Carey and Beyonce and I even knew Mary J. Blige because that woman has never turned down a chance to sing live, ever.  Down the line I thought, who the heck is that? My husband said “That’s Miley Cyrus” and I said “Oh, Hannah Montana”.  I know her from our six-year old neighbors.  I was so proud of myself when my hubby asked “Who’s the gal in the white jeans?” I knew it was Natasha Bedingfield because her song “Pocket full of sunshine” just so happens to be on the radio on the off chance that I do have a break from Shrek and Curious George.  So as I sat there and listened to the music and watched this season’s styles, I got a sense of what my parents went through when I used to make them watch MTV with me or when they just had to let me stay up to watch New Kids on the Block on the Tonight Show.  I wonder if they felt old and out of touch too?

Did your teacher ever make you write an essay on your first day of school entitled “What I did on My Summer Vacation?” I never had to do that in any class, but it seemed to be a common theme in tv shows, comics and movies.  I think I was jealous of the kids who got to write one of these essays because I always had so much to talk about when I came back to school. As an adult, I don’t necessarily have a summer vacation, but I still did a lot with my family these past three months that’s worth writing about.

I became a certified arborist.  I’m not state certified or anything like that, but  I’ve learned about hundreds of different varieties of trees, shrubs, bushes and flowers and have helped my husband plant 11 trees, 15 shrubs and bushes and a variety of flowers as well.  So therefore, I am a certified arborist.  What once was (just 3 months ago) a barren, rock-filled yard is now a lush (and quite weedy) lawn with actual foliage.  I pulled more muscles and ached in places I didn’t know could ache with all of the planting we did, but I am so proud of us for doing it ourselves!

I taught Audrey how to hold her breath underwater and she taught herself how to swim underwater.  Though the weather wasn’t necessarily the hottest we’ve had, we did manage to frequent local pools and beaches and get as much swim time in as possible.  As a last summer hurrah, we went to The Wilderness Resort over Labor Day weekend and swam our little hearts out.  We swam so much, Audrey not only took a NAP at the hotel, but fell asleep with the tv blaring in the room at night. 

We went to church festivals, carnivals, county fairs, and rode the kiddie rides for the first time.  Audrey was finally tall enough!  We went to a Brewer’s game and did some tailgating and taught Audrey the words to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”.  I, of course, had to teach her “Root, root, root for the Cubbies”, but that’s what this Chicago girl needed to do.  I just told her not to sing that too loud at Miller Park.

Last week, as the summer was winding down, we met Audrey’s teachers and her classmates at her new preschool.  I watched her cautiously go up to one little boy and listened proudly as she said ‘Hi, I’m Audrey. Wanna’ be my friend and build towers with me?”  She now calls Dylan her best friend, though I don’t think he actually ever answered her.  Tomorrow she starts her regular schedule at school, and though I’m looking forward to those 2 ½ hours of “me” time, I’m also a little sad to see her growing up so quickly.

On Sunday we welcomed the new season (though scientifically we’re still in summer) by apple picking at The Elegant Farmer.  We also took the Electric Railroad from the Elegant Farmer to East Troy.  We explored the square in East Troy and then treated ourselves to ice cream at the coolest (no pun intended) ice cream shop in Wisconsin, Lauber’s.  Seriously, if you have never been to this place, it is a must see. 

I’m sad to see the heat of Summer leave, but I’m looking forward to what the changes the Fall will offer, what Winter will bestow upon us, and the newness Spring will certainly surprise us with.