The past two weeks have been rough. The start of the school year was pretty uneventful and then I started to notice that Audrey was becoming more clingy, more anxious, more prone to crying outbursts. It had to be the start of school, I thought. On the 4th day of school, last Thursday, I went to drop her off and she wouldn’t let go of my leg. I haven’t seen her cry like that in a very long time. The teacher’s assistant assured me it would be fine and that I should just give Audrey a kiss and leave. I drove home, very on edge. My two peaceful hours alone were anything but. I was waiting for the phone to ring saying that I should pick Audrey up. I debated whether I should call the teacher and ask how she was, but instead I took a shower and then sat in my living room until it was time to go get her from school. All the while I could feel my heart slowly starting to break.
I was informed that it took her a good 5 minutes before she calmed down and then wasn’t in the best of moods the rest of the day. She refused to paint with the other kids and started crying the moment she saw me at pick up. My heart broke some more, but I was trying to appear strong.
Over the weekend my husband and I began to notice that she was becoming even more anxious when we went to a public place. When we went to the store, if we all weren’t in the same aisle together, Audrey freaked out. We went apple picking and she spent most of the time crying and wondering if we were going to leave or lose her. Again, little pieces of my heart were breaking off.
I attempted to take her to dance class last night and we didn’t even make into the room. She turned purple she was crying so hard. Needless to say, I was dreading drop off today for school. My husband and I had a talk with her at dinner about her being scared and crying and she told us that “I just cry a lot. I’m sad”. Honestly, can my heart break any more?
Drop off this morning went fine. There was some sadness when I left, but she didn’t cry. I know she was trying so hard not to, but I could still see that little bottom lip quiver.
This has been a summer of transition and I know it’s all taking a toll on her at once. The move to our new house may have happened nearly 4 months ago, but she still is not completely happy here. She tells us she wants her old house back and wants the movers to come and get her things again. We transitioned to no nap and only resort to letting her sleep when she’s not feeling great or has gotten up to early. I signed her up for a dance class where the parents have to leave the room, and then of course, there’s preschool. Many 3-year olds have no trouble transitioning, but not all. I naively thought Audrey would be the one who would jump right in and relish every second of her new found freedom.
I try to be positive and talk myself out of feeling so guilty about all of this. There are kids in her class her are almost an entire year older than her so I can’t compare her to them, and really, I shouldn’t try to compare her to anyone else. But that’s what we parents do, isn’t it?
All I want is for her to feel safe and be happy again. I hope that this is just a passing phase, and a quick passing phase, because I think if my heart breaks any more, I’m going to be the one crying at drop off.
*Just an update from this morning. When I picked her up, she was in very good spirits and told me she had a happy day and that she did not cry at all. I know this is going to be a day-to-day thing, but at least the immense guilty feeling is slowly lifting.