The other day when Audrey was pretending to be a puppy, I said something so ridiculous that I had to stop what I was doing, sit down, and reflect for a moment. I had gone on to the back patio to light the grill and Audrey was still inside. For some reason I closed the sliding glass door and not just the screen door. When I looked up, she was licking the glass door. “Stop licking the dang door Audrey.” “But I’m a puppy, mommy.” “I don’t care if you’re a puppy, licking doors is disgusting.”
It was a light bulb moment, one in which I realized I have been saying such weird things and they’re mostly at the expense of trying to keep Audrey safe and relatively germ free. Yesterday in the tub I told her to stop eating the bubbles and then to stop licking the bathtub. I have no idea why she licks things. She takes her imagination one step further than I would like. It’s fine to pretend to be an animal but there’s no way she’s going to continue to lick my face, eat food from a bowl like a dog, or lick her arms and hands like a cat does to clean itself. I have to draw a line somewhere.
I’ve had to tell her to not pick her nose in public and have offered her a tissue instead. I’ve had to tell her to stop discussing the size of mommy’s breasts and the fact that her dad has nipples. I’ve said on numerous occasions “little girls don’t spit”. We’ve had a discussion pertaining to passing gas and the fact that yes, everybody does it, but no, not everyone thinks it’s funny.
Once, when she was much smaller, I had to move her hand away from the neighbor’s dog’s rectal area. “Don’t stick your finger in there,” I warned her. She was running around the house one day wearing nothing but shorts. I told her to put a shirt on but she reminded me that Mickey Mouse doesn’t wear a shirt and since she’s a method actor, she couldn’t possibly be bothered by an additional piece of clothing.
One day I’ll look back on all of this and laugh. Until then, I’ll continue to say “keep you your hands out of your pants”, “get that thing out of your ear”, and “Please for the Love of God, stop licking your baby doll. You’re not a mother deer cleaning a baby deer.” Note to self, Bambi is no longer allowed to be read in this house.
