Disclaimer: I am not a huge fan of Oprah Winfrey.  However, I could not miss yesterday’s episode.  The entire premise involved confessions from real moms about what it’s really like to be a mom.  Some were funny, some were a tad sad, and many times I thought “Yep, that was me too.”  The most common thread was that moms never knew how hard it would be, how many sacrifices we’d make, and just how much our life would change after having children.  Watching this, I decided to list my confessions. 

I think it’s fair to start from the beginning.  I never thought I’d have children.  It never seemed to be the right time, never thought we’d have enough money, didn’t really want to give up all of that quality “me” time.  But then, of course, I got pregnant with Audrey.  Suddenly I was forced into mommy mode.  There were days I loved it, and days I wondered what in the heck I was thinking bringing a child into this world. 

You know how some mom’s say “You’ll forget the pain right after you give birth, otherwise everyone would have just one child.”?  I never forgot the pain.  I guess that’s because I had an epidural that went hay-wire.  Those 1 in whatever chances? I was the “1”.  I went numb on one side of my body, had the epidural reinserted and then went numb waist up.  By the time they had tried a third time, I had a gaping hole in my spinal column, and because we were too close to push-time, I gave birth naturally. That was SO not in my birth plan!

Breastfeeding and I did not get along.  Audrey had trouble latching on which meant that the breastfeeding dominatrix (excuse me, I mean lactation consultant) was sent to “help” me.  I’ve never felt more violated.  I was sore, my head hurt like nothing else (good ol’ epidural headache), I was tired, and I was feeling guilty because I was not good at breastfeeding.  I tried for three weeks to get the hang of it, but when I went took Audrey to the Pediatrician when she was 22 days old (I will never forget that day), and had a small nervous break-down, she assured me that all would be just fine if we switched to formula.  I felt guilty about that incredible weight being lifted off my shoulder.

Audrey had colic, but I’m pretty sure I cried more than her during that period.  My husband had to come home from work on more than one occasion, and my mother had to come up to give me a mental health break frequently as well. 

I felt guilty wanting to get back to work just to give me some of my life back.  Then I felt guilty being at work and sending Audrey to daycare.  I felt guilty when she was sick and I had to take time off because I just knew they were angry at me for having a sick child.  Finally I couldn’t take it anymore (and neither could my employer) and I started to stay home when Audrey was 10 months.

The first two months were hell.  I didn’t know what to do with her.  I couldn’t figure out how the daycare could manage feedings, changings, art projects, and naps while I couldn’t even figure out how to clean the kitchen AND take a shower in one day. 

I rocked Audrey to sleep for her nap (and only her nap) until she was 3 years old.  It was our special time and really the only time she’d snuggle up with me and let me rock her.  It was a bit selfish too because I really wanted that 2-hour break that naps brought.  I’d hear parents tell me that they’d never rock their child to sleep and I’d think “well then you’re missing out.”  Judge me, and I'll judge right back  I let her have a pacifier to sleep with until just after her third birthday.  I’m still getting over it, and she acts as if the thing never existed.

I let her watch tv.  Sometimes the show is educational, sometimes it’s for entertainment purposes only, and sometimes, I just really need to get something done.  I buy as much as I can organic and natural (especially milk…can’t have all those growth hormones) thinking it will have a positive effect on her health.  But I’m pretty sure McDonald’s French Fries and her most coveted food of all, Lucky Charms, negate all that nutrition.

I let her quit dance when she cried the entire class even though I swore I wouldn’t raise a quitter.  I let her jump on the couches even though I used to get so angry when people wouldn’t even use a coaster.  She’s gone outside without a coat on because I decided to pick my battles and I figured she’d discover rather quickly that she was freezing.  She bumped her head once when we were at our neighbor’s and I said “Are you bleeding? No, than you’re fine. Go play.”  I got looks from another mommy from that one, but then I realized she probably wasn’t perfect either.

In my heart, I know that I am doing the best that I can.  So many of my confessions have had little, if any, impact on the overall well-being of my child.  She’s happy, smart, and incredibly respectful and polite.  Somewhere along the way, I must have done something right.