\People don’t know what to say when someone has a miscarriage because there are no real words to say. While we were fortunate to have supportive people all around us after my miscarriage, what people don’t talk about is what happens next.
Although I took some time off work, allowed myself to experience the grief and pain of the loss, I still couldn’t keep myself together. In fact, I’m a complete mess — physically, emotionally and hormonally. Apparently, this is more common than I knew.
I cried all the time, and not a teary kind of cry, but constant crying fits that are usually accompanied with some hyperventilating or throwing up. After two weeks of physical pain, emotional meltdowns and the general feeling that my body was working against me, I went to my doctor.
I was pretty certain there was nothing I could do medically speaking – no medications because I’m still nursing my daughter a little. I just wanted my doctor to be aware of the situation.
I told her that I was NOT myself. I couldn’t describe it, leaving me more frustrated. I felt out of control, as if there was an erratic, emotional stranger inhabiting my body.
I was exhausted, agitated, depressed and anxious. I would go to sleep with the girls at 8 p.m., but wake up at midnight and stay up through the next day. Once, after Nate and I had a minor disagreement, I threw dishes around the kitchen.(Luckily for us, we have already replaced our “nice” dishes with plastic ones until the kids get older.)
While I know part of me will never be the same, I felt I should be able to leave the house without getting sick, that I should be able to slowly get back to my normal life. Sometimes I thought I was doing OK, most of the time I knew I wasn’t.
Well, it turns out my doctor had plenty of advice, reassuring me how common this is. It made sense: the combination of first trimester hormones and exhaustion come to a screeching halt, and then add in the postpartum hormones. It’s just not the natural progression of things. Along with the roller coaster of hormones, my doctor said I had some signs of postpartum depression along with the natural grieving process. She opted against treating the depression for now, but started me on a heavy diet of vitamins, some diet observances and a mild medication.
In under a week, I’m seeing the differences. I’m sleeping soundly, but not so deeply that I snore through crying children or a barking dog. I’m rested, maybe for the first time in years. The physical pain finally stopped and the whirlwind inside of me has started to calm down.
It would be a lot easier if the grieving process had a set time frame. But it doesn’t, so I’m thankful I listened to my body, talked with my doctor and took action that didn’t involve heavily medicating myself.
And I’m finally getting better every day.
