In the very early hours of December 7 2002, my husband and I were in a hospital birthing room waiting for GG's arrival. Shortly after we put our stuff away, a nurse came to get our information for check in. I responded to all the routine questions through the waves of pain sneaking up on me – and then the demographic questions came: "And you're....Black?" As if she couldn’t tell. C'mon lady...can’t you ask me something like 'When would you like your epidural?' Once the pain subsided, I obliged. "Yes." "And you're…. White?" she says to Jamie. Gimme a break here. He played along. "Yes." "And the baby will be....?" Gee, I don’t know… Hopefully, healthy? Finally I said "You mean to tell me that we're starting this already? We’re already checking a box for a baby who's not even here yet." She must have seen the exasperation in my face, and finally answered her own question: "I'll just say that the baby is both." Well of course the baby's both! I'm the Black Mom and he's the White Dad -- what else could the baby be? And I didn't think about that whole color/race business again.
Until a year-and-a-half later. GG was watching a videotape of an old Sesame Street special and she saw Susan. "Mama!" she said, pointing. And I'm thinking, does she think that Susan looks like me because she's black, or do I actually look like Susan? Then I walked around with a Susan Complex for the next couple of months. Then, when GG was about three, she says out of the clear-blue sky "Hey! You have a dark brown body, and my body is light, light brown, and dad's body is light, light, light brown!" "You're exactly right, hon," I agreed, and we talked about how neat it is that God made people in so many different colors; and how some people have dark, dark brown bodies and others have light, light brown bodies.
So was it time to have a kiddie conversion about race? Jamie and I decided that it wasn't. The whole notion of "race" and color (at least the way it's been defined: Black, White) really doesn't make any sense -- especially to a little one who understands black to be the color of her favorite dressy shoes; or that white is the color of the paper upon which she draws. It really made me wonder how much energy it takes to unlearn those basic concepts and to then reclassify them to mean a person or group of persons -- and sometimes, sadly, the characteristics associated with a group of persons -- whether that means the way certain "colors" sound when they talk, what their socioeconomic status is, or even where they live in our community. So when race would come up in our house, it was used to describe the physical characteristic of people. (e.g. Mom, remember that guy in the movie, he had a brown body) And that whole race/color issue was settled. Whew!
Not so fast. School’s coming up – along with all the enrollment, vaccination and other forms with boxes that we lucky parents get to complete. I've got to admit, the "check one box" rule gets me a little bit frustrated sometimes, because there's not a box that fits my kid; and "bi-racial" is so nebulous, it really doesn’t fit either. I mean, really: Should people have to check one box, and as a result, deny a part of themselves? And the whole Black, White label thing ... can't we be more imaginative? I mean, if Behr can do it for the eight-gazillion paint colors they have, can't we step it up? Just a little – for the myriad colors of people?
So this is my plea to all the Powers That Be: Let me check two boxes for my kid!....and I've even got a suggestion for some new boxes: One could say Black Mom and another could say White Dad......that is, until Behr's creative comes up with something better for those labels.
Now it's Your Turn: When was the first time your child noticed color differences in people; and how did you explain it to them? Just click on "Add Comment" to share your story.
I think that the the topic of color and race (particularly the Black/White dynamic) is an interesting and fascinating one that's going to be with us all for some time. If you're wondering how to talk about it with your kids, take advantage of the available resources out there. Interested in current commentary? Check out one of the special reports being aired on CNN this month.