Writes for Kicks

My house is really quiet this week. 

Nickelodeon has not been turned on--not even once.  I've heard no I Carley, no Drake and Josh.  ESPN has not graced me with its presence.  I have not been updated on Brett Favre or the latest multimillion dollar athlete who has been indicted on drug charges or didn't turn up for training camp.  I have not once had to ask for my computer back or tell the kids to close the door to the garage so we don't let all the mosquitos in.  I haven't had to listen to any bickering or request for the umpteenth time that the kids pick up their garbage or not leave their wet swimsuit on the floor.  

If you've read any of my previous blog entries you may have guessed by now that the kids are at their father's house.  The Texans are in town: an aunt and uncle and three cousins.  My kids will enjoy a glorious week playing with their cousins, going to their dad's lake place and just generally having fun.  I've been going through the piles on my office floor, determined once and for all to rid this room and my life of clutter.  Whenever life gets crazy or out-of-control I organize.

Don't get me wrong.  I love having this opportunity to get things in order.  In less than a month school will start and we all know how crazy that is.  Sports practices will start in a couple of short weeks, forms will need to be filled out, schedules--including more activities--will need to be determined and school supplies will need to be purchased.  I am enjoying this week or peace and quiet and I am trying to be productive and make the most of it. 

While it can be tough, at times, being a single mother, how many moms wouldn't love the opportunity to be alone in their house and be kid and spouse-free for a week? 

I've been hunting down freelance work, perusing help wanted ads for a "real job" and deciding which shade of yellow to paint the bathroom once I finish with my piles.  Monday night I went to a school ministry meeting and last night I went out to dinner with my family, including my brother who is visiting from Seattle.  Tonight I will go to my park and rec tennis lesson.  It is so much fun!  I haven't had a tennis lesson since I took a one credit tennis elective at UW Madison almost 20 years ago. (I think it was the same year that I learned how to ballroom dance!) 

I know I need to appreciate this time.  Full-time work may be in my not-so-distant future and days like these will be long gone.  But at the moment, I just miss my kids terribly.  Of course I am vowing not to let the little things bug me when they get home; though I'm sure they still will.  Thank goodness for t-ball tomorrow night because I need to store up some hugs and kisses from my six year old to get me through the rest of the week.

I'm not one to recite movie lines.  I can never remember them. 

And truthfully, god bless Google, I had to look this one up to make sure I had it right.  In the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" Diane Lane is going through a very painful divorce.  She vacations to Tuscany where she ends up buying a villa and renovating it.  One thing after another goes wrong with her renovation and one day she reaches her breaking point and says this line that I could completely relate to: "Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should."

When I first watched this movie a few years ago I was newly divorced.  I remember hearing that line, pausing the DVD and crying my eyes out.  She was so right.  My divorce was so painful, but it didn't kill me.  And like Diane Lane's character, Frances, there were times when it hurt so much, that it really should have.

I recently watched this movie again and I didn't cry at all.  Wow, progress!  I marveled at how time really does cure all wounds.  And I found it hard to believe how far I had come in just 3 1/2 years since I've been divorced.  I'm dating someone wonderful.  My kids are happy.  We are all healthy.  And my ex-husband and I get along amicably.  I was at one of the kids' sports activities talking with my Ex and I thought, "Wow, this is so great that over time we've been able to become friends."

And then, whoops, one disagreement later, with lots of nastiness hurled my way and I wonder, "What was I thinking?"  Back on the divorce roller coaster. 

I know in many ways this isn't so different from marriage and life in general.  We all have ebbs and flows in our lives and in our relationships.  But in a marriage you have a mutual goal of trying to be respectful to one another; because, after all, you love one another.  Not so with divorce. 

Because I have kids I am tied to my Ex (and his wife of three years) for life.  I've always put my children first so that's made it pretty easy to do the right thing. Well maybe it's not easy, but it's what I do nonetheless. 

But I must say that it is hard to always do the right thing and never get any credit for it.  I have people say, "Well of course you are not friends.  You are the ex-wife."  And conveniently, it seems, the punching bag.

I have to say, I don't get it.  Why can't we be friends?

My baby just turned 10.  O.K. he's not really my baby.  He's actually my oldest.  But he was my baby a short 10 years ago and boy how time flies.  You always hear how they grow up too fast.  And of course there is part of you that absolutely knows this, every day.  But at the same time...how did this happen?!  He is not only 10, he is turning into a little adult. 

Case in point, if you read my last blog you heard about how I bought a bike rack.  Since I got divorced about four years ago I have always made a point to not make my son the "man of the house."  After all he was not even five when my ex-husband moved out.  Every once in awhile my dad would say "take care of your mother" and I would sort of cringe...it was an innocuous comment, but nonetheless I never wanted him to feel that sort of pressure or responsibility.  His job was to be a kid, mine was to deal with the pain, anger and betrayal of my divorce. Anyways, I digress. 

When we got the rack home, my son and I were making sure we knew how to use it. I was having trouble getting a pin out that allows the bike rack to swing down and away from the van--the whole point of the rack we got.  I anticipated that this step may give us trouble so I had a little rubber mallet I was using to loosen the pin.  I was getting a little frustrated tapping at the pin and I said, "this is garbage" to which my son replied encouragingly, "just one more mom--you've almost got it!"

"Hello!"  What just happened here?  Did we just have a complete role reversal?  Everyone at my house (and everyone who comes to visit) knows I can get a little anxious when I am trying to get us out the door on time.  What with everything I have to remember, the constant interruptions and my pre-Alzheimer's brain (it's hereditary) I'm always fighting that crazy uncontrollable urge to get, come on you all know it...unreasonably shook up at the most minor infraction.  I have to say with this mini-adult around, things have been going much more smoothly.

Thursday we were heading to the Brewer's game to celebrate my son's birthday.  We had four kids and another mom to pick up (that's why I hang on to my 9 yr. old minivan). I was busy gathering sunscreen, tickets, coolers, food, etc. when my son said, "Mom, what can I do to help?"  Then he proceeded to take charge: "You get the food packed up and place it in the laundry room.  I'll load the car."

I still have to remind him to pick up his socks all the time.  And for the life of me he can never remember to toss his wrappers in the garbage can after he has a snack in front of the TV, but I have to say I am loving these little responsible, mature moments he displays. It makes life run a little more smoothly and so much more fun. 

Do you have any of your own moments that you'd like to gush about (Um, I mean share)?

I bought a bike rack.  I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.  I was having one of my "I can do it even though I am a single mom" moments where I decided that I wanted to be able to take the kids and hit the bike trails on our own this summer whenever we wanted--not just when we would have someone to help us transport our bikes.  Again, I'm sure there are many of you who are thinking what a no-brainer that is.  I also know there are many of you who are totally dependent on your husbands for that sort of thing, from researching which kind of bike rack to get to attaching it and all the bikes to your car.  You wouldn't know anything about it because that is not your department. (Five years ago it certainly wouldn't have been my department.)  When you are a single mom, for better or worse, everything is your responsibility.

A lot of concerns went into purchasing a bike rack.  First of all what kind of bike rack to get?  The roof rack ones were out of the question.  I am only 5 ft 4 inches tall.  How the heck could I do that on my own?  Also, I wanted to be able to open the van door when the bikes were attached so the ones that mount to the rear hatch wouldn't work.  So that left the ones that attach to a hitch.  There was only one hitch (pun intended), I don't have a hitch.  So, does it make sense to pay for one when my van is celebrating its 9th birthday soon?  Will my van make it much longer?  Well after investing in a new transmission a couple of months ago, I sure hope so. So the search was on.

I had a hitch attached to my van while I waited.  Then I did some research, visited my favorite bike store--Emery's in Meonomonee Falls and recently became the owner of a new bike rack. I had my almost-10 yr. old listen in to the instructions when they showed me how to mount the rack on the hitch and demonstrated how to attach the bikes to the rack.  Because we both knew I couldn't remember everything myself.  Yesterday we took our new bike rack out for a spin and had a fabulous time.  We drove to Esterbrook park and biked down to the lakefront.  I bought a tag-along bike for my 6 yr. old for her birthday in April so she can manage rides and we have so much fun!  We stopped at the little park area near Discovery World and had a snack and then again at the beach just north of the marina where we played at the playground and my daughter played in the sand.  On the way home we stopped at the Urban Ecology Center which backs right up to the trail.  It is super cool with frogs and snakes, slides and a climbing wall.  There were crafts for the kids revolving around "birds" the theme for the week.

Now to be perfectly honest, my sister and her husband and my nephew came along.  Well. o.k. they actually planned it.  But since I put the bike rack on to my van and the bikes by myself, with my sons's help, it still qualified for doing it on my own even though we met my sister and her family for the actual bike ride.  Now we just have to decide which trail we are hitting next!

When I first heard about the recent decapitation at Six Flags Amusement Park my first thought was, "Oh no, not again.  First that girl loses her feet and now this!  Parents will never let their children go to an amusement park ever again!" 

Then I heard what happened.  Wow.  It is still a shame, no doubt about it.  And it is totally tragic for sure.  But what was that kid thinking?  What were his friends thinking who saw him do it?  Or his family?  I'm not about to judge anyone who was there; I don't know what happened.  But I do feel bad for the people over at Six Flags who have to deal with this terrible incident that was completely and totally not their fault.

I was talking with my boyfriend (Yup, that's right.  I'm a single mom. It was bound to come up sooner or later so I figured we might as well do sooner versus later) about what happened and we were discussing the fact that Six Flags will probably be sued.  And we were discussing the fact that it just isn't right.  What are they supposed to do?  Put barbed wire up on every fence around a ride?  This 17-year old had to scale two six-foot fences and saw numerous warning signs but continued on nonetheless. 

I read a posting on a website where someone said if it had been a 7-year old it would have been the park's fault, but a 17-year old, no way.  It made me think...would it really have been the park's fault had it been a 7 year old?  Most kids that age can read and if they can't, shouldn't there be a parent nearby who can?  Everyone makes bad decisions sometimes.  Most people won't die from them.  But unfortunately in this case a young man did. 

I don't know...what do you think?